notes omg

I’m so tired of living. No one listens to me. Today is the first time i EVER sat at lunch alone. I sat in a table with no one. People came to table, but no one talked to be. I left and sat down, wondering if any of my “friends” would see me and asks what’s wrong, but no one asks. No one bothered to say “what’s wrong” or “do you want to talk about it”. What kind of people don’t bother to see what’s wrong with a friend???

I cried in the bathroom for most of lunch and sat alone. I cried a little bit in class. I plastered on a huge fake smile when I was presenting for my project. And now look where I am. Crying while typing this out before I take a shower and before I go to bed and do something I’ll regret again.

I told you people so many times that I’m tired of this. I can’t keep staying strong. I can’t keep holding on. I can’t keep having hope and believing things will get better when NOTHING is getting any better. In fact, everything got even worse.

I tried so hard. I was so nice to people, to the point where people used me. I did so much and no one appreciated it. No one says a little “thank you” when I do something out of the kindness of my heart.

I’m tired.

And I’m done.

I have three blogs: Bieber’s cool, TeenInspiration, and one super secret blog no one will discover. Why am I going to vent out on this blog?? Why not on my secret blog?

I honestly have no idea why THIS blog. Maybe it’s because someone might help me….before….

I’m tired.

I’m tired of sitting on the sideline, watching everyone laugh and talk and have so much fun. I’m tired of hearing about everyone’s problems. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep and being so insecure. I’m tired of faking smiles and faking laughs to stop people from asking me “What’s wrong” because I know they never truely cared. I’m tired of venting out on my other blog. I’m tired of being so alone and sad and feeling so horrible. I’m tired of everything.

There’s so much arguing at home. School used to be my safe zone. The place I’d rather spend weeks at than being in my room, trapped and feeling worse. But now school isn’t even a safe zone. My room is. At school, I’ve been bullied for 7 years straight. Only one teacher bothered to say something, and that was last year. Every teacher didn’t say anything, only stopping them to get through their lesson. My parents didn’t do anything, not even defended me. I cried for so long, remembering the bully’s words. My room became my hideout. I would cry for hours and no one would hear me. Everything I need is in my room. Except personal journals and stuff.

School. It’s that word I used to love, but now completely hate. I go to school and face being bullied and teased and talked about behind my back. I go to school facing friends who betray me or never understand. I face being rejected and ignored. Or invisible. I trust the people who shouldn’t be trusted. The people who will hurt me so bad or leave me when I need them. I like the people who break my heart. And I try to stop.

Last year, I started something I hate doing.

Three words: Starve, cut, insult.

I regret every time I did that, but I can’t stop. It’s like a habit that only happens when my self esteem is low again. Which is most of the time.

You know the most texts I got were about homework? Or help on something? Someone even came over just to do homework. I thought we were just going to hang out, but she only came to finish her homework and get help. No one bothered to ask me how’s my day or if I’m okay or if I need help. And when I’m wrong, they say “your a straight A student making a mistake?”. No one notices me or gives a flying flibbits about me. I try to open up so many times (even trusting the wrong people), but everyone ends up talking about themselves. They never bother to listen to what I have to say or hear me out. They always go back to them. They always talk about their problems. And I’m always there to tell them what they want and need to hear. Sometimes, they don’t even notice. They act like I don’t exist or what I’m doing is nothing. But what about me? Do I matter to them? Why won’t they listen to me?

I feel like my only purpose in this world is to listen to others, hold in every horrible, cold feeling I have inside, and help these people. I feel like I’m only alive because I’m meant to be that friend who listens, but is not heard. Or maybe I’m the mistake and that’s my punishment.

What is wrong with me? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I feel so stupid and ugly and pathetic? And worthless and useless?

Everything is wrong with me. And I can’t hide that anymore. I definately can’t take it anymore.

I tried to believe that things will get better, but when is it going to happen to me? When is all the arguing and hate and pain and hurt stop and things will get better? I can’t keep staying strong. It hurts so much to the point where some things I can’t feel. I can’t feel happiness like I used to. It feels so unfamiliar. I can’t feel beautiful. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without insulting my flaws or breaking down crying. Sometimes I can’t even tell if I’m happy or not. I look in the mirror and smile, but it seems so fake. So played out. I can’t stand the wasted paper I’ve made about all the hurt I’m in. I sat there writing my feelings out on paper or staring at a blank sheet of paper, wondering what I haven’t said.

I’ve cried for so long. I screamed for help. I opened up. And all I get back for trying to find someone is betrayal and lies.

I’m so desperate to find some help, but no matter what, I can’t find that person that will be there for me every step of the way.

I’m alone, insecure, and hurt. I’m a broken hearted girl, trying to find her place in this world. Right now, this broken girl is in the dark side of the world. </3

There’s a place that I know. It’s not pretty there and few have ever gone. If I show it to you now, will it make you run away? Or will you stay? Even if it hurts, even if I try to push you out, will you return? And remind me who I really am? Please remind me who I really am. Everybody’s got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody’s a picture perfect, but we’re worth it. You know that we’re worth it. Will you love me? Even with my dark side?

on3-time:

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